Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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