i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
