and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
