a queef is a wish your heart makes.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
