Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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