Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
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