mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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