Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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