You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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