Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
