you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
