Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
