those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
