I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
