dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
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I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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