got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Randomize
