Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
