Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.