I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse