if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
