It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
