Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
