Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Randomize
