He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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