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wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
