not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
