The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
