How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
