Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
