Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
sex in a hospital.. check
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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