So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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