Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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