Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i wish my penis had a tongue
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
