I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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