he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
