You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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