The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
