u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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