ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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