p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
