I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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