You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
