Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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