My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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