Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
