You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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