I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
