if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
