Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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