You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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