Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
40s are totally the cure
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
