Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
