dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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