i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
