I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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