i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
