I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
