god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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